… and not just because of heat. My brain was whirring too much. One of those problems I tend to have when I'm thinking too much about the future or about the past and its relation to the future. I'm not in a bad place: I've been having a great time lately when I've been able. I'm just not in a great headspace: too stressed, longing for what I don't have nor am able to materialize instantaneously. *shrugs* Maybe it has something to do with turning 30 this month. Maybe not. I worry that my temptations to rebuild masks and retreat into myself will be followed at some point, when I've spent years tearing that ridiculousness down and learning to live life more viscerally — with of course the downside that I'm much more emotional and feel things much more acutely — even if they happen to just be related to a YouTube video or to a movie or graphic novel. I think that's a downside I prefer, even if it does mean that loneliness and restlessness hits me perhaps harder than it should.
I never seem to strike the right balance of busy-ness and free time, nor do I seem to do a good job with balancing my needs for social interaction with alone time in a way that satisfies me. I know quite well that I don't do well with being all alone for entire days without leaving the house, yet I still do this. I do much better interacting with friends (and I mean in person though text messages and emails and social media do serve to fulfill a certain need as well) at least once a day even if only for a few minutes. Perhaps this is why living on my own is less than satisfying at times (though I do like the freedom). I love to be busy (travel is awesome for that) and to be trying and doing new things. I love to be accomplishing stuff (and not just procrastinating though I'm damn good at that too), but I need my goof-off time to read, play games, interact with folks and catch up on Internet happenings. I wish I could find that necessary balance.
And I wish I could sleep more effectively. I know that I've been sleeping better when I've been away from my apt lately (whether on someone's couch etc. or in a hotel) and I think that has a lot less to do with the sleeping arrangements (or comfort of bed or couch etc.) than it does that when I'm doing so I'm beholden to different scheduling requirements. Which likely means that I need to start keeping a better personal schedule. Which I intend to do but keep running into the problem of not sleeping well and not feeling up to getting out of bed at a reasonable hour… which only perpetuates my issues…
And last night once I WAS finally asleep the storm woke me up. It was a nice storm and all but I was totally confused and used the occasion to simply close a window, climb back onto bed, open the crawl space for some cooler air, and attempt a return to my bizarre dreams.