Back to your everyday programming….

So, it feels kind of odd to think about the whole week. I mean, my life's motoring along great (still is, all things considered): school's going well, my apt is getting a bit (emphasis on the bit part!) more tidy/organized, I'm thinking up rad topics for papers (although I haven't put a finger on what I'm writing just yet, I just know I need to get movin' on it and soon!), writing some pretty sweet poetry (well compared to my normal drivel that is), getting all geared up for the Mexico trip, sending off Operation Christmas Child boxes, getting gift exchange items put together, wearing/repairing (etc.) some good styles/clothes/makeup etc., and then wham… my mom calls and tells me (on Thursday around noon) that my grandmother has died.

Sure, the tears fell like crazy. And, I needed to speak to my friends, calling people (often they're not home in the middle of the day on a Thursday, even with fall-term break) and reaching just enough of them. I escaped into a book. I cleaned, spent time on the computer pursuing my contest entering hobby, wrote the first Christmas cards, cooked up some edibles, went out for dinner, worked… and interspersed all that with remembering my grandmother. I don't know if it's really sunk in yet. And I know that it'll have to.

It does feel weird though. To know that she won't be there when I next go home to my parents' house. To know that I won't hear her less-than-completely-even-close-to-intelligible (with my poor grasp of the Japanese she spoke) words. To know that mom won't have to argue with her anymore. To relegate my grandmother to memories. And there's like a million good ones, even though I only usually saw her once a year most years growing up.

At first I didn't couldn't figure out why this mattered so much to me: but I think coming upon me at this particular moment in time, when school topics so closely cause me to reflect on my own life, my own upbringing, and wonder about my parents' among other things… the impact of my grandmother on my life is really felt. I always felt close to her somehow, even with that language barrier, even with the fact that I gave up so many times at understanding what exactly she was saying or doing. It's hard to believe that she's gone, that I won't be able to stand in a room with my mom and my mom's mom by my side. Grandma won't be around for all those future events that'll shape my life, my family's life, and so on. She won't be feeling all the pain that she's felt these past few years either though. And, well in general, there is a lot of good to go with the bad.

I've always really loved and cared for my grandmother, even if it didn't always seem like it at the time. And gosh darn it, I'll miss her.
But I have those memories.
Hopefully they won't be forgotten.

I'll always love my Grandma.